Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."

   I want to share something with each and every one of you..... Your money.

   I was meditating this morning....ok, actually I was sitting on the toilet scrolling through Facebook on my phone...but, it still counts.

   Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a Smoothie.

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   So do caterpillars know that they're going to become butterflies or do they just start building a cocoon and be like "WTF am I doing?"

   So, how is everybody enjoying the air guitars I sent them for Christmas?

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   SpellCheck has saved MILLIONS of drunk morons, and has been the scapegoat for stupid people since it's invention.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   Oscars so white, Xbox Live wont let them be a player BLACK ops

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   "No thanks. I'm a Vegan." Is always a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going.