Mickey Funny Status Messages

   NASCAR, NBA All Star Game AND The Oscars...Thank G0D there's the Cartoon Network.

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.

   The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."

   If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.

   I drop most of my money on wine, women and song. What's left gets spent foolishly.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.

   I just saw pictures of my neighbor's 30 year high school reunion....Don't marry your high school sweetheart!!!

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   "The Goddess that is Judge Judy"....said no one ever.

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.

   We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.