snotty Funny Status Messages

   There will be a 'Supermoon' tonight... That means it will be wearing its underpants on the outside.

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?

   My favorite dinosaurs were the carbivores... You never hear about them because they went extinct before the others,,, You know cuz,, like all the gluten and such...

   In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters.

   I just introduced a guy wearing a hoodie with shorts, to a guy wearing a vest... They're fighting... Umm Wait,, That's actually making out, they're making out.

   Hot Kraft singles in your area are difficult to open, and really not good cheese anyway,,,, So....

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too