Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy

   Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!

   The saddest part about my neighbor demanding I not serve booze to her kids is finding out they're not cool dwarfs who like to party.

   I wouldn't say that I'm really a bad dancer more like....overly Caucasian.

   ‎45% of the internet is pornography. 55% of the internet is lame.

   I stopped over at my dyslexic friend's house for coffee this morning, he was busy covering his "manhood" with black shoe polish when I got there. I said, "No, silly you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK!" Dyslexia is such a curse.

   she serious with that outfit? Why doesn't she just paste a "For Sale" sign across her chest?

   If you're wondering at what point I stopped caring, it was pretty much when you said, "Hi, my name is _________."

   OMG!!! I am so f'd up...I drank so much last night..i woke up in my own vomit! Party!....woohoo!..I just chugged more vodka to cure the hangover!.....(this didn't happen, just wanted to fit in in Facebook).

   Ever see someone in a hurry and they do that last little mad dash to their final destination? How much time does that save.....2.3 seconds?

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   Saw a lady at Walmart wearing those "shape up" shoes. Thought to myself, "Honey....there ain't no shaping that thing up."

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   Really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarassing.

   The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.