Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   I love it when the person's laugh is funnier than the actual joke.

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!