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tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me 
100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell
My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.
As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.
I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.
look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o
My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?
when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?
So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did
Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.
I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.
A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.