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"Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol 
My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.
The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.
So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!
The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords
I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.
I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?