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Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
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01-13-2023 02:50
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Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
303
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01-13-2023 02:31
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Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
303
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01-13-2023 02:41
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To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.
303
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01-13-2023 02:46
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The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
303
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01-18-2023 01:09
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Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”
243
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01-10-2023 02:13
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When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.
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06-24-2022 23:14
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How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.
302
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01-19-2023 01:53
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Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.
302
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01-19-2023 02:09
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You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
301
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01-09-2023 03:00
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.
301
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01-12-2023 01:08
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Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.
242
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01-19-2023 04:12
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Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
181
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06-21-2022 22:45
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I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
181
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06-24-2022 23:16
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The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.
419
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01-06-2023 17:52
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All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.
359
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01-04-2023 02:36
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I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.
300
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01-18-2023 01:18
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If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.
299
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01-07-2023 12:43
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My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.
299
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01-13-2023 02:48
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Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.
299
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01-18-2023 01:24
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