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Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head 
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.
Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.