flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy was Slim Goodbody?

   My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   My bracket is destroyed. I had Inga, Bjorn, and Johan in my Swede 16.

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.