flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.

   A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   If He-Man had the power of Grayskull, how come he had such a crappy haircut?

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   roses are grey. tulips are grey. violets are grey. cause I am a dog.

   They say men are from mars and women are from Venus, but I'd like to believe men are from earth and women are from earth also.

   The tortoise and the hare is a classic fable, but the moral only helps you when racing a guy who takes a nap with a big enough lead.

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"

   "Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.

   I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?

   To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator

   Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??

   Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.

   I don't like war either but let's all admit that peace has way fewer cool explosions.