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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”
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01-08-2023 17:24
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At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”
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07-01-2022 01:46
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Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.
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04-20-2022 12:30
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If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.
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04-22-2022 23:20
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Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.
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01-06-2023 18:40
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Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
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01-12-2023 01:01
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Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
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01-12-2023 01:34
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Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”
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01-18-2023 01:15
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I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔
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01-23-2023 02:40
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2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.
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06-19-2022 02:36
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Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.
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06-08-2022 01:38
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If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?
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01-06-2023 01:31
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An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”
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01-12-2023 01:05
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Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
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01-19-2023 02:01
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.
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07-08-2022 09:05
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The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
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01-09-2023 02:48
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My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
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01-13-2023 02:44
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IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
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01-18-2023 01:05
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You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
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01-19-2023 04:10
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