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So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad. 
I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.
I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.
Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.
I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone
Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.
I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.
Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.
how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.
a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it