Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Some people should
use a glue stick
instead of chap stick. 
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship
A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂
Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.
You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.
I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it
When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.
It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.
Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.