flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I wish I didn't live with this curse of being so awesome.

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   My cat keeps telling me I have a drinking problem and that I need to seek help, but really I think he's just annoyed I won't stop singing.

   My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

   Love's redeeming work is done. Fought the fight, the battle won. Death in vain forbids him rise, Christ has opened paradise! Alleluia he is risen

   Pouring out a jar of marshmallow fluff. For my Peeps.

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   My bark and bite are equally ineffectual

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because women love the smell of money.

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."