snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Don't stop bereaving."..............Karaoke singer at a Japanese funeral..

   Full Disclosure: I stole all these words from the dictionary

   My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.

   Grumble,,grumble,,,,,, I'm just going to answer you in thrusting motions.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   Pick a number between 6 and 6 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.

   I think we can probably stop worrying about who let the dogs out.... They're probably dead by now anyway.

   One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.

   Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

   Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   Hey,,,I say stuff, you should say stuff with me,, and then we'll have fun... M-kay?