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I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...
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05-31-2013 06:18 by
andrew jackson
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I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.
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06-02-2013 08:15 by
andrew jackson
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Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.
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06-02-2013 08:19 by
andrew jackson
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Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.
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06-09-2013 07:07 by
andrew jackson
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It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.
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06-22-2013 07:39 by
andrew jackson
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I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning
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06-22-2013 07:41 by
andrew jackson
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FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
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07-07-2013 15:52 by
andrew jackson
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Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?
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07-09-2013 12:19 by
andrew jackson
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A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.
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07-17-2013 12:22 by
andrew jackson
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If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.
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07-20-2013 08:30 by
andrew jackson
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I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.
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07-20-2013 08:40 by
andrew jackson
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Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.
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07-23-2013 15:25 by
andrew jackson
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A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.
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07-29-2013 07:43 by
andrew jackson
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here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
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08-12-2013 08:13 by
andrew jackson
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There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.
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08-15-2013 06:34 by
andrew jackson
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I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.
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08-21-2013 13:06 by
andrew jackson
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I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted
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08-24-2013 05:56 by
andrew jackson
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I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?
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08-24-2013 05:59 by
andrew jackson
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Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.
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08-28-2013 05:35 by
andrew jackson
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Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.
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09-02-2013 09:31 by
andrew jackson
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