Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Women like having four animals in the house: a jaguar in the driveway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskull to pay for it.

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   became a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

   I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   I hate it when you are looking for something and you realize that it is in your hand.

   feels sorry for all the hassle Toyota drivers have had to put up with the last few weeks, they deserve a brake...

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   When people nickname their child "Boo Boo" is that their way of saying their child was an accident?

   Enjoy "life"... there's plenty of time to be "dead"...;)

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

   Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard, things could get messy!

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

   This bill collector called my house for the last time today. I told him just like it is... You call my house 1 more time and I'm taking your name out the hat. I put everybody's name in a hat, at the end of the week I draw a name and that's the one I pay.

   Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?