Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public.

   Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   The embarrassing moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.