Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Life is too short to die a coward.