flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. Something tells me that Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins is about to do something stupid.

   A surprise party is a great way to show your woman how awesome you are at lying to her face

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   Had many interesting conversations today, but don't remember any of them... Come to think of it, I wasn't even listening.

   Amazing to think that I was once a helpless little baby but now I'm a giant helpless man

   This infomercial says that with their product, I can chop potatoes "EVEN WITH A BLINDFOLD ON!!!" It's like they know EXACTLY what I need.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

   "Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks

   Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn't find a hug"

   Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.