flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I wish I had a twin so I could have every other day off of work.

   Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   I don't have a smartphone.. I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply its self.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   Fun thing to do #48 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help

   The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us.