flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.

   Despite protests, my wife has yet to step down from her post as the oppressive leader of our house.

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.

   So did all those kids that had the skate or die t shirts in the 90s die?

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

   A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.

   Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!

   Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   every time I come home after being around another dog, mine looks at me like I cheated on him

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.