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Page: 12 of 5576
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
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01-09-2023 03:55
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When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.
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06-07-2022 02:04
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There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.
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06-28-2022 23:45
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When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.
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06-30-2022 00:58
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Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.
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04-17-2022 00:54
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If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.
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04-18-2022 21:48
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Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.
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04-19-2022 10:40
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Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.
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04-21-2022 10:12
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I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.
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07-04-2022 02:57
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Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
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01-19-2023 04:20
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Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.
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05-11-2022 00:53
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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06-07-2022 02:01
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I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.
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06-07-2022 02:05
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And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction
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06-26-2022 15:20
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Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”
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06-28-2022 23:44
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I would call you an idiot, but that would be insulting to idiots.
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07-07-2022 00:56
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Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.
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07-08-2022 09:08
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Pros and cons of making kids. Pros: making, Cons: kids
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05-22-2022 03:41
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Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.
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06-09-2022 01:43
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My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.
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06-09-2022 01:44
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