Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.

   Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.

   Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.

   I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

   If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

   I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.

   And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction

   Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”

   I would call you an idiot, but that would be insulting to idiots.

   Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.