flinnie Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.
←Rate | 04-18-2013 06:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 06:13 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you
←Rate | 03-07-2012 08:12 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
←Rate | 03-08-2012 05:13 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.
←Rate | 12-04-2011 18:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler
←Rate | 06-11-2011 06:08 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
←Rate | 04-29-2015 12:23 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
←Rate | 07-22-2012 06:46 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.
←Rate | 12-03-2014 05:04 by flinnie Comments (2)  


   messageicon It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
←Rate | 12-09-2013 07:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
←Rate | 03-12-2015 05:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.
←Rate | 01-18-2012 10:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
←Rate | 10-10-2014 05:19 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
←Rate | 11-05-2013 20:34 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.
←Rate | 08-12-2013 08:04 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 05:25 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.
←Rate | 07-24-2012 05:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.
←Rate | 01-06-2012 05:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything
←Rate | 04-12-2012 08:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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