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Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.
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06-30-2022 01:03
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I live at work and visit the house sometimes.
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04-17-2022 00:53
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Every day is a half day, if you just leave.
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04-18-2022 01:23
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You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.
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04-18-2022 21:46
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When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.
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04-19-2022 11:15
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Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.
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04-29-2022 00:47
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It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.
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01-08-2023 17:21
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The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.
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07-07-2022 00:58
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Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.
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01-11-2023 00:48
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There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.
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06-07-2022 10:51
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Your face makes onions cry.
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01-19-2023 04:22
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Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.
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01-19-2023 04:18
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Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.
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06-05-2022 02:58
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If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
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06-08-2022 01:40
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Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.
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06-24-2022 00:48
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When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.
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06-24-2022 00:53
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It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.
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01-23-2023 03:56
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When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.
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04-20-2022 02:02
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Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”
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01-08-2023 12:09
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It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.
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01-08-2023 15:07
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