Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   I've time traveled almost an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating too much pizza, but every time,, future me just joins past me in eating it*

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Well, One place that HASN'T recovered from the financial recession is Atlantis,,, I came back from a visit last week and sadly,, most every house I saw ,,,, Still entirely underwater

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?