flinnie Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
←Rate | 02-24-2013 07:56 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.
←Rate | 04-21-2011 02:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"
←Rate | 02-18-2012 05:56 by flinnie Comments (1)  


   messageicon A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.
←Rate | 06-16-2012 06:24 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.
←Rate | 03-19-2012 19:43 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"
←Rate | 12-10-2011 06:06 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I've ever witnessed.
←Rate | 06-06-2012 19:03 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."
←Rate | 10-11-2011 10:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now
←Rate | 06-03-2011 14:48 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies
←Rate | 05-21-2012 23:47 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
←Rate | 09-08-2011 03:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.
←Rate | 07-11-2012 07:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 08:57 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed
←Rate | 03-26-2012 13:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.
←Rate | 03-29-2012 07:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.
←Rate | 11-28-2013 02:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.
←Rate | 02-17-2014 05:22 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
←Rate | 05-09-2013 06:28 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?
←Rate | 04-19-2011 00:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up
←Rate | 03-23-2012 09:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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