flinnie Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now
←Rate | 06-03-2011 14:48 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."
←Rate | 10-11-2011 10:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.
←Rate | 07-11-2012 07:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 08:57 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.
←Rate | 11-28-2013 02:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?
←Rate | 04-19-2011 00:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon 95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 05:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.
←Rate | 04-18-2013 06:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 06:13 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
←Rate | 04-29-2015 12:23 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler
←Rate | 06-11-2011 06:08 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you
←Rate | 03-07-2012 08:12 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
←Rate | 03-08-2012 05:13 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.
←Rate | 12-04-2011 18:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
←Rate | 07-22-2012 06:46 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately
←Rate | 10-14-2011 05:56 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
←Rate | 04-25-2011 05:55 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.
←Rate | 12-03-2014 05:04 by flinnie Comments (2)  


   messageicon It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
←Rate | 12-09-2013 07:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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