me Funny Status Messages

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   After this pandemic is over, I don't want to see any more memes claiming that you could live in a cabin alone for a full year for a million dollars. You literally couldn't stay in your house for 5 days to save your grandmother, soooo......

   Probably the worst thing to hear when wearing that new bikini is, "Good for you".

   Gorilla Lives Matter

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   Im using internet explorer so I hope this isnt too late. Happy new year 2009

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   Conversations that start with "Don't get mad" seldom end that way.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!

   Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"

   If ever you get sad, think of a T-Rex trying to masturbate

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   you're not fat, you are just easy to see

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!