flinnie Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 18:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:02 by flinnie Comments (2)  


   messageicon I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change
←Rate | 08-20-2017 18:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side
←Rate | 03-12-2017 07:10 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
←Rate | 11-03-2016 06:02 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
←Rate | 11-03-2016 05:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
←Rate | 09-27-2016 05:46 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:34 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.
←Rate | 06-05-2016 15:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
←Rate | 05-20-2016 19:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 07:26 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 07:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.
←Rate | 01-30-2016 21:53 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sarcasm needs its own font
←Rate | 01-08-2016 18:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
←Rate | 01-08-2016 18:13 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


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