Y.P Funny Status Messages

   - I just don't like the look of my hands.....That's why I always keep them at arms length.

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   ‎- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....

   - I can't believe we only managed a draw against a sh*t team we should easily have beaten........I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.....

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   - I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....

   - I heard my mates's girlfriend say to him..."You'd be fitter if you exercised you lazy f**k".....I could't help myself interrupting and said to her...."You'd be a lot f**kin fitter if you were your sister"....

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   - I saw an article in a magazine titled, "10 ways to make your wife come".........I didn't bother reading it though...... I'm too f***ing busy searching for 1 way to make her go......

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   -- Liking your own facebook status is like a bloke congratulating his hand after a w**k!

   -- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   -- Is it called a "Wonderbra" because when she takes it off you wonder, where the f**k have her t*ts gone ?......

   -- The most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position... The husband sits and begs for it while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......