Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.