Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say stuff like "That one's shaped like an idiot."

   Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore

   Before the internet I used to like people.

   Chinese food to go: $17.95. Gas to go get it $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?

   When I die, donate my teeth to the Walmart Cashiers.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime.

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.

   Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!