Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   Someone please tell me why in the hell someone would open a tanning salon in an all black neighborhood?

   I am looking forward to my daughter being done with her I-Don't-Like-Daddy Phase. I'm running out of things to clean with her toothbrush.

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   Those Chilean miners are gonna be so surprised when they find out they were really on Big Brother this whole time.

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your butthole bleed? Just a thought.

   need advice on how to make a paper cut to the jugular look like an accident.

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   It's pretty hard not to scratch when you're playing pocket pool.

   Being out of 3G range is like traveling back to an older, friendlier America. Cornfields and songbirds. Churches and farm stands. Also, meth.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   If fire escapes were replaced with waterslides people would use them a lot more.

   The heat doesn't seem so bad when you think how hot it must be for the cook who just dripped sweat in your lunch.

   I wonder if the band that recorded the Saved By The Bell theme ever gets together once in a while just to jam.

   Some days I just feel like the token black guy.

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   heard some thunder yesterday & it wasn't even raining. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that Stevie Nicks is full of crap.

   If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?