Funny Status Messages

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $75.00 worth of groceries with one hand.

   Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few litres at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. Follow me for more tips!

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Most of you are 10s because of inflation.

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   My girlfriend wants me to make a cauliflower crust pizza tonight. So now I have to go to the grocery store and find a new girlfriend.

   Why does the Old Testament prohibit people from eating pork? Pigs are such friendly looking animals. It's goats that look like the spawn of Satan.

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

   "I used to think that my life was a cringe compilation, but now, I realize it's a try not to laugh challenge."

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

   Concept plan

   Women who aren't into sports are way more feminine and don't have smelly you-know-whats.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   To all the people that couldn't stand me this year, just letting you know next year is going to be even worse.

   The 4Bs explained: Bread, Bacon, Beef, Bread. Make me a sammich.

   This Christmas instead of gifts I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited!