Funny Status Messages

   I was stuck for a costume. GARBAGE. That’s perfect.

   I am now challenging 3 million Facebook users too send me a 1.00 cashapp $MgTimTim

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   Okay, Halloween's over. Lose the costumes, dump the candy, and if you're over 9 years old, grow the eff up.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   Eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids cereal. I added milk & drowned the kids.... I'm a CEREAL killer

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   Maybe we were too hard on JJ Abrams for "Somehow Palpatine returned."

   I'm already beginning to feel unburdened by what has been.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.

   Remember when Scar in The Lion King promised the hyenas a better life in order to use them to gain power, but when they realised he lied to them they ate him? Something to think about.

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   Reviving In Progress

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.