huck Funny Status Messages

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   Superman wears glasses, everyone thinks he’s a different person. I wear glasses people say: “Hey, why are you wearing glasses?”

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my spleen on my pant leg. And my liver adds a certain flair to my belt.

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

   if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?