eengrms Funny Status Messages

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...

   So does this mean Jay-Z has 100 problems now?

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."

   The American dream I’m chasing is where the entire pizza is just a spiral of stuffed crust...

   This just in... Kanye West is still alive. Meanwhile we continue to lose really talented artists...

   If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...

   In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...

   Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...