andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.

   A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.

   Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?

   I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"

   There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it