Mike Funny Status Messages

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Do I have to hear about these Clowns for 28 more days? O me bad make that 35 more days my math is not so good anymore.

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   When you order your coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is "Merry Christmas"

   I hope the MVP has his shots up to date. Disneyland is dangerous nowadays!

   I can't believe Skelator sold out and is now doing commercials. Oh well, he's still a better pitchman than Michael Bolton.

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!

   How the heck can people get so excited over a game that can end in a tie? Is it gratifying when you're kissing your sister as well?

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   Just woke up and can't go back to bed. I turn on the TV looking to maybe find something to watch. My choices are Baggage, 7 days of Sex, Sex Sent Me to the ER, The Real World:Ex-plosion, and Hannah Montana. Wondering if Miley Cyrus is staring in all of th

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   The only way to make soccer interesting is if they could pick up the ball and throw it...

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.

   Watching Fox News, but for some reason I can't figure out why Obama would shut down a bridge?