Mick Funny Status Messages

   The only time I've ever felt like a male trapped in a female's body was the 9 months before I was born.

   The people of Puerto Rico have unfortunately discovered just how much power mother nature has. Yet, there will be those arrogant humans who'll continue to think that we're solely responsible for climate change.

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   Q: What's Better Than A Rose On Your Piano? A: Tulips On Your Organ.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.