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Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
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05-20-2018 21:33 by
markf
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We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus
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05-04-2018 22:12 by
markf
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Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver
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04-29-2018 20:33 by
markf
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I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.
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04-26-2018 08:10 by
markf
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Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
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04-17-2018 11:09 by
markf
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One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head
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04-10-2018 15:21 by
markf
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I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.
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03-24-2018 09:14 by
markf
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If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"
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03-21-2018 10:10 by
markf
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3
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I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
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03-10-2018 09:50 by
markf
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The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.
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03-03-2018 08:48 by
markf
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The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
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02-26-2018 14:10 by
markf
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I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
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02-23-2018 15:53 by
markf
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If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?
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02-07-2018 09:06 by
markf
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Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door
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01-28-2018 21:00 by
markf
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I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
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01-28-2018 20:03 by
markf
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Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
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01-24-2018 16:05 by
markf
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Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags
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01-23-2018 15:07 by
markf
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Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.
15
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01-20-2018 20:25 by
markf
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I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room
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01-18-2018 21:37 by
markf
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Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE
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01-16-2018 20:43 by
markf
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