Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

   Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   I have decided to host the Oscars

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.