Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar