JEBI Funny Status Messages

   My cat probably thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream...

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...

   I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...

   I will do a lot of things but admitting I'm cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn't one of them...

   "Hi I'm Kayne West! I survive on your attention. Give me your attention. Hey where you going...I need you attention..."

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...

   Why do you Americans have to involve race in everything? Leave it to the media to put ideas into your minds. The country/world will never know peace until we start referring to each other as human beings. One Love...

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

   I just got my foot stuck in my wife's bra. I asked her what kind of boobie trap is this? She laughed and I laughed and she asked me never tell another joke for at least a week...

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...