Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should never judge a person by how clean the inside of their microwave is.

   You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   can't figure out why the Toyota Prius owners would be worried about brakes, since the car can't go fast enough to hurt anything anyway.

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   just because I rock doesnt mean I'm made of stone

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...

   Why would you want a camera on the iPad? That's like taking pictures with a clipboard!

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.