Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many.

   Ill be thankful when this thankful month is over

   In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning.

   What one person receives without working for .... another person must work for without receiving

   I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart

   How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

   I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”

   The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.

   The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science

   I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.

   You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.

   Just seen a picture of Rihanna fully dressed. Man these hackers don't sleep.

   You should never judge a person by how clean the inside of their microwave is.