Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

   We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be. Now we know.

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.

   If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.

   I hate when I tell someone I'm bored, and they suggest getting together. Then I have to explain that I'm not quite that bored.

   Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t!

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

   I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.