andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.
←Rate | 11-19-2014 05:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.
←Rate | 11-19-2014 04:55 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
←Rate | 11-13-2014 05:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.
←Rate | 11-13-2014 05:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.
←Rate | 11-12-2014 05:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level
←Rate | 11-12-2014 05:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages
←Rate | 11-12-2014 05:26 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 06:42 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
←Rate | 11-04-2014 11:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
←Rate | 11-03-2014 05:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.
←Rate | 11-02-2014 07:49 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.
←Rate | 10-31-2014 13:28 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
←Rate | 10-29-2014 18:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
←Rate | 10-29-2014 18:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
←Rate | 10-28-2014 10:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense
←Rate | 10-27-2014 04:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.
←Rate | 10-25-2014 19:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
←Rate | 10-25-2014 19:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
←Rate | 10-22-2014 19:13 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.
←Rate | 10-21-2014 05:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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