SEAN Funny Status Messages

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.