hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   Hey Alanis Morissette! Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull-out" couch. That's IRONIC.

   "Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.

   I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

   On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

   Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   I really wish I knew why my real parents sent me to Earth without my superpowers.

   They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but I've never seen a girl talk sh!t about a diamond behind its back.

   I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   The saddest part of the recession is all of the laid-off workers at the C+C Music Factory

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers