JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   A man of few words is a married man.

   It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   What is it that you have that other people use more often than you do?....... Your name :)