lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   Hard work never killed anyone but i'm hoping my boss will be the first.

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   Tip of the Day: When greeting your friend Jack at an airport,do not yell "HI,JACK!!". Another tip: prison food is terrible.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours. But they all have to learn to live in the same box.

   Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course. I've never had to run so far in all my life!

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.