Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   Now that I've maxed out my 401k for the year, I'll get a tattoo, said no one ever.

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.

   Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can't change a tire for sh*t.

   Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

   Just watched an entire TV show without being on my phone just like they did on the Mayflower.

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

   LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.